09-19-09

Trinity left. She wasn’t going to leave for another day, but found a cheap motel on the way and packed up and went. We had decided over a week ago that we should just be friends. The romance just wasn’t there. We are very similar and everything looked good “on paper”, but there was simply a lack of spark. I agree that it is for the best, for both of us to move on, but it’s still very hard. We both believed that we had found the love of a lifetime. It’s disappointing to say the least that it didn’t work out. I think I loved her more once she became a friend. We spent so much time together and saw so many cool sites. I quickly grew used to having her and Sebastian in my life. We lived closely in the confined quarters of the bus. Even when she was thousands of miles away we felt close. This time she was leaving for good and expressed that she would need some time without contact as part of her healing process. She and Sebastian drove out of my life around noon, leaving me cut-off and painfully empty.
Part of my coping mechanism is to clean. I cleaned and cleaned. I had to hide memories. I cherish the time we spent and all of the memories we created, but I want to think about them when I choose. I saw memories everywhere I looked. I threw out a perfectly good sweet potato that made me sad every time I’d walk by it. I almost kept it because it would be very good, but then I contemplated eating it and I knew I could never get through it without tearing up. The bus was spotless, but there was this one fly I couldn’t catch. It had been bugging Sebastian and I was trying to catch it for him. Now with him gone I didn’t know what I was supposed to do about the fly; let him live in the bus, kill him out of anger, let him go out of spite?
When I’m upset I don’t eat. It’s a real problem because then I get goofy in the head and that magnifies the depression and I lose focus on reality. I went to the store and bought some deli chicken. I was able to eat some of it.
Andrew came over and kept me company in the evening. We drank some wine and he showed me some 8 track tapes he had just bought with a player for $10. I recently broke the 4th of 4 wine glasses. I have to use glass dishes, but they don’t last very long on the road. We were forced to use my water glasses. They look kind of like the trendy stemless wine glasses, but when that fad is over in 2 years I won’t be left with dated dishes.